Tech Guy Tales

Once upon a time, a dip-shit known as Rudy G was a mayor of NYC. Some turban-heads hijacked some planes and ripped New York a new hole. Fast-forward to 2008… and now this nut job wants to be president.

TG: Hey shithead why do you want to be president?
Rudy G: Umm… because… ummm… remember 9/11.. yeah!

TG: OK… So, the economy is fucked up. What do we do?
Rudy G: Well… during 9/11, when the terro…

TG: I don’t give a fuck about 9/11 now, dipshit. Joe Black needs money for the reefer and Jane Mexican needs to feed her 21 kids!!! What are you going to do?
Rudy G: Reefer is good! On 9/11….

TG: OK. Never mind. I bet you didn’t know your sister was giving me a blowjob on 9/11 too…

So let’s get to the point.

Why NOT to vote for RUDY “Douche Bag” Giuliani

1. He’s a fucking Republican, need more be said? This should be enough to end the fucking list. Hasn’t the monkey in the office fucked the country’s asshole enough?
2. Married his cousin. You fucking sick fucker!!
3. Cheated on his wife. OK this cool, way to go… a bitch is a bitch.
4. Fear Monger… With all these fucking idiots that I see everyday around me, the last thing I need is an asswipe, like you, making them shit their pants when they go to 7-11.
5. Was the mayor of New York. I’m not a fucking idiot. I know you were the fucking mayor asshole. I don’t need you constantly reminding me.
6. Has only campaigned in Florida. WTF!?!? This pisses me off. His whole campaign is a sham that is banking on the stupidity of the old gringo, stale finger, can’t punch a fucking ballot card, diaper wearing electorate. Let’s just give this fucking state to Cuba; they got enough of those fuckers there anyway.

Verdict: I say, FUCK BILLARY and Mr. 911.

From time to time, I will be writing a “Random Shit” list. It’ll be about anything I can think of to write a short paragraph or two about. Once I have five items, I’ll publish the memo. So, without further bullshit, here we go.

Apple MacBook Air

Ooooh, now you’ve done it, Steve. I still don’t get why morons by shit that don’t have replaceable batteries. First iPods, then iPhones and now this shit. I saw his keynote and it seriously sounded like he was selling a 12″ pink dildo to his fan boys. It’s great from a company’s perspective that you’ve created this Mac-fan-boy cult, but in reality your products are shitty, and only morons by them. Your new product, MacBook Air? What the fuck is that? I can’t remember last time I paid $1,700 to surf the internet. But hey, I am not a moron… maybe that’s why I don’t understand Macs-fagfan-boys.

Hillary

Let’s get the obvious out of the way: HILLARY IS A STUPID BITCH. I always wanted to say it in all caps, but never did. Bill is such a pussy… how can he let a woman use him that way. There’s two reasons why a woman would still stay with her man after he gets a head from another woman: 1. She’s desperate, and he’s fucking rich (Kobe Bryant, remember?) and 2. She’s desperate, because without him, she’s nobody. (Billy Boy.) Sometimes, I can’t figure out which one’s the bitch, Bill or Hillary. Seriously, you morons, don’t vote for her. It’s mostly women that vote for her, now you see why they didn’t allow you to vote in the beginning.

Cloverfield

So, I am in the theater, ready to watch this over hyped fucking movie. There’s this guy in front of me texting somebody, you can imagine the bright light from the cellphone in middle of a dark movie. I swear I could have choked the fucker from behind. But instead I took a popcorn out of a girl next to me, and threw it on his head… one by one. I said, “oh I am sorry, does that bother you? THEN STOP FUCKING WITH YOUR CELLPHONE!!!”

But yea… back to the movie, it fucking blew. The monster was there for 8.3 seconds and rest of the time I was too busy looking at the cleavage of the girl that I went to see the movie with. This movie has the most ridiculously stupid script ever… not a single f word was used. Are you kidding me? A giant fucking monster is 10 feet away from you and you say, “Oh my god?” There was another scene where this bitch asks, “do you know what it [the monster] is?” and the token black guy says, “no”. Brilliant.

Cellphone Bluetooth

All right, I am fucking tired of these assholes with that bluetooth shit in their ears. Are you that fucking busy that you need that shit hanging in your ears every second? Next time I see a guy wearing that shit, I am going to take that bluetooth shit and shove it deep into his throat, motherfucker.

Crosswalk Volunteers at School

You know who I am talking about… those ugly fat old ladies at the crosswalk holding the STOP sign. What the hell is that about? Is that supposed to prevent accidents? If someone is about to run into somebody, do you really think that fat lady is going to prevent the inevitable? I see no point of those people. If you really want to volunteer, help them read after school. We need to raise smarter kids, too many stupid fucking people are procreating… but that’s another topic for some other day.

Considering getting married? Read this first! I’ve worked with enough females to know how the system works. You’ll be surprised what these bitches women share with me. If your woman truly loves you, she’ll sign that prenuptial agreement. If she doesn’t sign that agreement, there’s no reason to get married. Most guys get married because they don’t have to look for a tail every day.

Before you consider tying that knot, let me assist you on why should reconsider it.

One Reason To Get Married

1. Sex - Now, it’s true sometimes that guys don’t get it every day when they are married, but you’ll definitely get more than you used to when you were single. One benefit to get married is, you don’t have to get her drunk as often. Savings money on the alcohol.

Ten Reasons NOT To Get Married

1. Onegina Disease - When you sign that legal paper of marriage, you receive a deadly disease called onegina. With that signature you just signed for one vagina for the rest of your life. I strongly advice you to not get this disease.

Continue Reading: One Reason Why Guys Should Get Married And Ten Reasons Why They Shouldn’t

As a part-time programmer, I understand what full-time programmers go through. We code all day, and make shit money. Unlike those writer’s of Hollywood, we don’t make a dime when our software is sold. We program day and night… we don’t even look at girls because we’re so busy writing programs for the software companies. What do WE get in return? A fucking paycheck to buy a monthly supply of chicken flavored cup noodles.

So, stand up programmers.. and let us commence the new year with a fucking strike! January 1st, 2008 is the day when we all go on strike, and give our company the finger! Let’s declare a strike!

Continue Reading: Programmers Guild of America - On Strike

I was sitting in my office and one of the 50 or so females I work with brought in her 17 year old kid in my office because he liked computers. I am like what the fuck bitch, I got shit to do (I didn’t have shit to do, but you should always say that, makes you look important.) Anyways, I couldn’t believe how dumb this kid was.

Me: You like computers?
Him: yea, i wanna major in like computer science.
Me: Fuck computers… before your dumb ass graduates from High School, let me give you a few pointers about something called LIFE.

If you are a parent, teach your kids what I am about to tell you. If you’re a high school student, this is the list for you before you begin your college life. If you’re a college student, it’s not too late… You’re not a loser anymore, you’re in college now. You’re a man, now, act like one.

So, here we go, I am about to teach you the ABCs of your young adult life… take notes, bitch.

Continue Reading: Ten Life Lessons Your Kids Should Learn
Before Graduating From High School

Who says you need money to get laid? Bitches Women like fame, more than anything. They don’t like you for your physical appearances, they like you for who you are: your status, your fame, your abilities, your authoritative figure. Women want men that can make their friends jealous. She has to be able to say, “my man is better than yours.” The following professions definitely have all those things described above, that’s why these professions are guaranteed to get you laid:

Continue Reading: Ten Male Professions Guaranteed To Get You Laid

Fuck the 25 skills every man should know… probably some woman wrote that shit. Men’s roles are significantly different and nothing like the pussified men raised by today’s single moms. We are MEN. So shut up and listen. Do you know why so many people get divorced? It’s simple, because women lack skills.

I know woman and skills don’t go in the same sentence, that’s why I am attempting to erase those stereotypes. By the end of this article, as a woman, you’ll learn your responsibilities and what is expected out of you.

Continue Reading: 25 Skills Every Woman Should Know

Working in an office is like working in a battle, you need to be surrounded by strong people in order to survive. You want to become a General some day, you want people to salute you and by knowing the right people, you can get there. There are five kind of people you should never mess with: The Janitor, The HR Bitch Lady, The Tech Asshole Guy, The Rumor Bitch Lady, and The Mailman.

The Janitor

Just because he cleans floors doesn’t mean he doesn’t know what’s going on. Remember, these people are here before you get here and they are here after you leave. They know what’s in your trash, they know what’s on your table. These are very good people to make friends with, they can ruin your life or they can save your life, it works both ways. If you ever need something from someone’s desk or their trash, Janitors will come in really handy. They can get a hold of anything, that’s why stay good friends with them.

Continue Reading: Five People You Must Be Friends With At Work

Seriously people… if you must talk all day that’s fine with me, as long as I am not listening to your shit. But please, I said… PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP for a minute or two while you’re in the bathroom, elevator, or at the restaurant. It’s really annoying and other people don’t want to hear about your life problems. I didn’t sign up to listen to your shit.

The Bathroom

I am not interested in your bitching about your lame life while I am taking a piss. Don’t you always have these losers coming up to you and saying, “Man, I hate my job, my boss just asked me to do [insert some shit].” You know what, you’ll never like your job, because that’s what kind of a person you are. You’ll fucking bitch about everything for rest of your life. There’s only two ways to solve your problem, one is to quit your job, and the other is to shoot yourself (and please do it right, I don’t want to hear “suicide attempt”). Pick the latter, because then you’ll do all of us a favor, one less loser to walk on this fucking earth.

Continue Reading: Three Places Where You Should Shut The Fuck Up

Recently, Barbra “no body gives a shit about me anymore” Walters from The View decided to get Sherri Shepherd on board, like there weren’t already enough stupid bitches on the show. The View, if you don’t know, is a show where five diversified stupidest bitches you can find in America talk about the issues that matter the most. LOL, huh? Continue Reading: Sherri Shepherd Should Be Duct Taped